Counterfire has gained exclusive access to the diary of Labour leadership hopeful Owen Smith

15th July

Dear Diary, I so much wanted to join all my left wing friends on the anti-war marches but the board meetings at Pfizer always seemed to be at the same time. So frustrating.

16th July

Dear Diary, Petronella Spart has accused me of not caring about abolishing poverty. But my £80,000 salary at Pfizer completely abolished poverty in my Surrey home! Unlike Jeremy Corbyn I believe in getting rid of poverty house by house, starting with mine. Life is so unfair.

17th July

Dear Diary, Very upsetting incident in the breakfast room at home this morning. As soon as I walked in my wife Elizabeth started screaming ‘burglar, burglar!’. She had completely forgotten who I am! I calmed her down but then she said: ‘Owen you must try and get better recognised…after all everyone knows who Jeremy Corbyn is’. Politics certainly is a rough old business.

18th July

Dear Diary, I’ve been accused of being a mouthpiece for Big Pharma by Petronella Spart. But it’s just a silly spelling mistake. It should be Big Farmer, a Maoist agricultural collective in the hills above Pontypridd! Ha! You can’t get more left wing than that!

19th July

Dear Diary, I’ve lost count of the times I’ve told Jeremy Corbyn he must appoint more women to top positions. That’s why Angela must step down in favour of me. Then, when I’m leader, I can appoint her to a top position! It’s forward thinking like this that helps Britain face new challenges.

20th July

Dear Diary, At Big Farmer, the Maoist agricultural collective in the hills above Pontypridd that I’m part of, we’ve used some drugs from my old friends at Pfizer on the sheep. Now they all have two heads! I’ve asked the NEC if that means they can vote twice. But they say only if they are affiliated to USDAW! Outrageous! I’m going to write to my MP about it.

21st July

Dear Diary, I was looking in The Mirror today and my imaginary friend Kevin appeared. I said ‘Kev, my politics are almost the same as Jeremy Corbyn’s, but I don’t mean it’. And, quick as a flash, Kev said, ‘That’s why you are standing against him!’ I love Kevin, he’s like the brain I never had.

22nd July

Dear Diary, Petronella Spart in taunting me about the 180,000 new members who’ve signed up to support Jeremy Corbyn. But what I say is it’s not the Primark wearing masses that count for socialists, it’s whether the elite support you. That’s what Tony Blair tells me anyway. I’m so grateful he’s backing me.

23rd July

Dear Diary, today my wife Elizabeth said, ‘Owen that’s such a great picture of you in the papers in your white shirt with the sleeves rolled back. You look like a B&Q manager addressing shop floor staff’. She’s so right: it’s just the look I need to win votes from shop workers all over the country. That’s what Jeremy Corbyn lacks, the common touch.